Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
