you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
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