Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
