I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Randomize
