So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
