meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
