I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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