i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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