Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
