this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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