Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
