I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
