Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
