I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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