For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
My ATM looks so different sober.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
