Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize