I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
