I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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