I can tuck mytits in my pants
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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