and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
