opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
