last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Randomize
