I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
