i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
