You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
