this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
