Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Randomize
