Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
