so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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