i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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