so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
