Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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