Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
