I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
