he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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