Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
you didnt know i had herpes?
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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