Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
