mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize