I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
