please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
