On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
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