I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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