I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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