I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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