I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
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