you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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