so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Less talking, more tequila
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Your cock deserves a montage
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
