So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
