My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
