i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize