I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
