I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
