u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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