Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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