A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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