Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
