words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Randomize
