had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize