I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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